Maintaining the spark of desire in long term relationship ?
When we first meet someone, passion is often the way it begins: erupting spontaneously between us as if out of nowhere and we are pulled, like bees to nectar, to each other. It connects us instantly to the places in us that live beyond our fears and human wounds. Somehow we feel free and able to open up and be intimate as we surrender to the intensity and excitement. This new person is a wild adventure for us to embark on, with discoveries and growth around every turn.
As we go deeper and spend more time together, things begin to change, they become a little less exciting but maybe more safe, comfortable and familiar – the spark begins to fade.
When longterm partners have this deep soulful friendship, they can lose some of the more passionate intensity. Sex and desire might begin to feel more complex, or even fall completely off the menu. The spark that flared so easily in the beginning between you is now harder to find.
After the subject of communication (more on that here) sex and intimacy is the next most common issue couples bring to me, and through my many years of doing this work I can say that it doesn’t have to be the end for your relationship or your sex life, and it is entirely possible to get it back and make it even better.
You can have closeness AND passion, if you’re both willing to do a little work.
A common dynamic I see in couples is what looks on the surface like a mismatch of desire between you. One of you expresses desire for sex and the other says they don’t want it. This might be expressed in a myriad of ways:
- I’m too busy
- I feel overwhelmed
- I don’t know how to switch from work/busy doing mode to intimacy mode
- I’m too tired and depleted and Ive got nothing to give
- It feels too complex, like I have to meet so many criteria to get it right.
- I’m afraid to really open up and let you in.
- I feel the pressure to be the perfect lover.
The list goes on and in my experience it is rarely as black and white as one of us wants it and one of us does not.
Usually underneath this top presenting layer, we find that you both really want the same thing which is to connect, feel close and have an amazing sexual connection. What often gets in the way is fear and the belief that we cannot be met the way we want to be or that we are not good enough for our partner. Once we see this it is actually very simple to find connection. We have developed a powerful but simple process that addresses this exact issue.
After 25 years of working with couples using this method we see it working again and again and again. Couples have told us they had tried therapy for years and through this one method got back loving intimacy within a short period of time. Sometimes even 5 minutes !!
It can be challenging to find our way back without support, which is exactly what we offer at Ignite the Passion – our four week online journey into intimacy.
Tending to the garden
Our intimate connection doesn’t take care of itself. The garden of our passion needs care if we want it to bear fruit. It needs compost, periods of weeding, space, light; a gentle and constant tending, we need to feel the seasons and meet them in ourselves.
We must let go of the fairytale that love will always feel perfect, and that working on a relationship means we have failed. In my experience, if a couple feels safe enough to be able to do this tremendously brave work of holding and alchemising their wounds together, that’s a really encouraging sign.
Difficulties in relationship happen to almost everyone. Very few of us were taught how to come into healthy connection with those we love, we’ve had to figure it out as we go. The wounds we carry around our sensual expression can run deep, so having experienced facilitators holding you through the process is really helpful.
Instead of despairing that something has gone wrong, let’s remind ourselves that like anything else we want to master in life, intimacy takes practice.
Join us at Ignite the Passion for practical tips and exercises that you can apply right away, as well as support to make sure the flames of your passion endure.